.not the brightest.

Okay, so I went back and read my blog from earlier.. And I know it was long so forigve me for blogging again.. But I feel like I left it up in the air a little bit.. My blog was titled "Be Still", however I spoke mostly about letting go of the past.. I got carried away and forgot to tie it all together.. That's sad.. Anyways the reason I chose "Be still" is because one day as I was praying God spoke to my heart and told me to just be still.. Which I then looked up in the bible and there it was in Psalms.. It was a Sunday, and after Pastor Nate's sermon, our associate Pastor came and led us in a song that he had written, just be still and know that I am God.. I feel that I often hear God saying to me, just be still.. That instead of me having to be here at noon, and there at 12:30, and back by one, that if I would give Him control.. If I would just be still and let Him take over, that it would all go much smoother.. If I would be still and trust God to fulfill His promises that the past would no longer matter.. That I would not need to dwell on it, or any longer let it affect my day to day life.. That if I would sit down for just a few minutes, and realize how big the God is that we serve, my past would not seem nearly as impressive as the huge plan and future that God has laid out for me..

.Be Still.

and know that I am God..

Well first...since the last time I blogged I got a job at Bob Evans as a server.. Chris one of my managers told me that I could keep my piercing in as long as it was a clear one, and when I showed up yesterday, Mary says no.. I was really sad, but oh well, may it was just like an "I did it" kind of thing.. So woohoo! At one time, I had my monroe pierced.. Yesterday I got my hair cut, shorter...I think I love it, but I'm not sure yet.. We'll see what happens.. Ok, now, back to business...

Lately, I have been spending a lot of time with my cousin, Nicole, who is also my best friend.. We were driving, and talking about my dad.. My dad has gone through a lot in the last few months, I guess really it's been the last few years, but in April it climaxed.. Nicole was asking me how he deals with it today, and what other people think, and how that effects him.. After I responded, I was shocked by what I said.. "It isn't a big deal, it doesn't even phase him".. And it not's a bad thing, but by anyone's standards this situation would be a big deal, it is a big deal.. Of all the things I got from my dad, why couldn't I have received that trait?

You see, I've never seen my dad mad, ever! He just doesn't get angry, he has this amazing capacity to understand that in life things are going to happen that you don't want to happen, people are going to hurt you, and things are not always going to be as great as you want them to be.. But so much more than that he can just let things go, without a second thought, he just does. I don't know how many of you watch LOST, but you all should because it's amazing.. In one episode Jack, who is a doctor and kind of the leader on the island, is talking about his first surgery.. He thought that he was going to lose the girl, and he was scared, but instead of shutting it out he let the fear rush through him.. But only for five seconds, he would only allow the pain and the torture to last for five seconds.. So he counted to five, and then he pulled himself together, and the girl lived.. My dad does that in every situation I have ever seen.. He allows it to hurt, or confuse, or anger, or whatever the emotion may be, for only five seconds.. Then it's over, then he knows what he needs to do, and he just does it.. If you asked him about what has been going on, his only response would be that things are great and that life is great.. And if you asked him about the specific situation, he would be perplexed as to why you would think that it is a big deal.. Because it is his past, it doesn't even phase him anymore..

I, on the other hand, think things to death.. I want to let them go, but I just don't.. I think about them and run different scenarios through my head.. But in the end all my alternative scenarios don't really matter, because it's the past.. There is nothing that I can do to change it.. But I can embrace it, and say that those are the things that made me and shaped me.. That I should not hurt over them anymore because that is not what God intends for me.. How much more could I do for God's kingdom, if I were to stop living in my past.. If I let it all go, if I gave it over to Him, and I said today I want you to use me in a mighty way.. And tomorrow, and the next day..

I hope that I can learn to let go of my past, to leave it where it is.. That I would wake up every morning and say, God just have your way in me, I will follow, and I won't let anything hold me back..

Sorry, it was so long!.. It makes up for all the time I missed :)

.beauty from ashes.

Well I need to start off by thanking Libby.. As I was reading her blog this phrase caught my eye, and I realized that it would be what my blog would be based off of.. So thank you Libby, and also, today at the baby shower it was so funny to see you in your diaper!.. (Sorry if you didn't want people to know about that :))..

Anyways... beauty from ashes.. Today while I was praying I kept thinking about all of the places that I have been, all the people that I know, and all the things that I have seen.. I thought about the differences and the similarities that there have been between my old and new life.. A life that ended, and one that started when I accepted Christ.. Everything that happened prior to my salvation was leading up to that moment.. God had prepared a way and made a plan for my life.. There are things that have happened that I am not proud of, and there are things that have happened that I sometimes would like not to remember.. But in any case those are the things that made me who I am, the things that developed my character, and ultimately those are things that gave me eternal life.. Sometimes you get to such a low place that there is no where else to go.. There is nothing you can do to help yourself and you need a way out.. It is amazing to me to think that God took those situations and He took the person that I was and helped me to become someone beautiful in Him.. Recently a lot of the people surrounding me have come to me with problems and they seem so low.. and the reoccuring theme is

"Why is life this way?" or "Why are things so bad?"..

I was discussing this with a friend of mine and I asked why am I the only one who is trying to hold it together.. That in the middle of these hard times why am I the only one who cares whether or not it all falls apart.. I think very highly of myself right?.. Well I was reminded then, when my friend said.. God is holding your life together.. It is only by His grace and mercy that right now as I feel so broken I can still smile and love.. Not only this, but when I hear people say things like that.. When I hear them ask how long is it going to be like this I can only help but think.. You are broken for God.. Sometimes you are in exactly the place that God wants you to be.. You are right where He can hold you, and help you.. But also, if you are in this brokenness because you have made decisions that have led you there, how long do you keep running?.. How long do you put up the fight and live the way that you want live instead of how God has called you to live.. Because that is exactly how long things will stay this way..

.when heaven weeps.

I have been reading this book When Heaven Weeps by Ted Dekker.. It is excellent!..

Reliving that day was not always the most pleasant thing, but always it brought her an uncanny strength and a deep-seated peace. And more important, not to remember-indeed not to participate again and again-would make a mockery of it. Take this in rememberance of me, Christ had said. Participate in the suffering of Christ, Paul had said. And yet Americans turned forgetting into a kind of spiritual badge, refusing to look at suffering for fear they might catch it like a disease. They turned the death of Christ into soft fuzzy Sunday school pictures and refused to let those pictures get off the page and walk bloody into their minds. They stripped Christ of his dignity by ignoring the brutality of his death. It was no different from turning away from a puffy-faced leper in horror. The epitome of rejection.

.let it rain.

Good afternoon everyone!.. It took me quite a while to set this thing up last night, with Vanessa's help, but it's finally done.. Today will be the first day that our new youth pastor, Tom, and his wife will be joining us for everfree.. We are all super excited that they are coming along with their two children, and are blessed to have them come and minister to our students.. It isn't a super beautiful day today, but still a God given day nonetheless.. It looks like it is going to be this way all week.. As I was driving to church yesterday morning a song came to mind, Let It Rain, and I have been thinking about it ever since.. Of course, it was a part of our worship yesterday, and it was the first song I heard on the radio this morning when I got into my car..

OPEN THE FLOODGATES OF HEAVEN. LET IT RAIN, LET IT RAIN.

This song by Michael W. Smith is different than the one that we use during worship, and as I was listening to it there was a verse that really spoke to my heart: The Lord REIGNS, let the earth be glad...Righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne. A fire goes before Him and consumes His foes on every side...The earth sees and trembles...The Heavens proclaim his righteousness and all peoples will see His glory. What a consuming God we serve, how often we try and love Him while only letting Him into certain parts of our lives.. He can only come through this door, and He can only walk around in this room, but we need to let Him consume every bit of us, even the places we are scared for Him to go.. We need to realize that as God rains on us, He reigns over us.. Our lives are whole only when completely in His hands.. Blessings..