.them or Me?

Today started off as a very rough day, from the minute I woke up it seemed that things were in complete chaos. Things did not get better as I had hoped they would and I started to fall into a worldly state of mind. Then, once I got home from school everything changed...
A little background information..Several months ago God was really beginning to reveal things to me and lay things on my heart. I felt like I hadn't heard from Him in so long or maybe I just hadn't been listening. When I finally heard Him, it was a complete, slap in the face if you will. I felt like all the things that I loved had been taken from me, but I felt like I remained in a state where I was thankful and knew that if they were gone that if was for a reason and that God still had a plan for my life. God however knew better and showed me and it brought me to a place of true brokenness. For the first time in as long as I can remember I didn't feel strong, I didn't feel ok and I didn't feel like things were going to look up any time soon.
Back to the present..Today an amazing door was opened for me and it is only because of Gods continued goodness in my life. This opportunity could change my entire lifestyle, but I've already been given something that has done that once before. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior, and no matter what opportunity comes along there will never ever again be something as amazing or life changing as that was. My dilemma is that if I take this opportunity I need to still be able to keep God number one in everything that I do. I need to realize that the only reason I am capable of doing this is because of what God is doing in my life and if I don't continue to put my life in his hands this too will be gone. I need to stop saying that I love God and act like I love God. I need to quit judging others and look inside my own heart and see the things that God has shown me time and time again.
It is ok for me to love the things in my life, but things will never look up if I continue to love the things in my life more than I love my Savior.
So when God says to me, you have always loved those things more than me, where do I go from there?

.For These Times.

Well it's been a long time, hasn't it? I don't really have anything going on or new to share but I would like you all to read the lyrics to this song. I personally love country music..and this is a song by Martina McBride that has really touched me and been heavy on my heart.


In these times in which we live
where the worst of what we live
is laid out for all the world on the front page
and the sound of someone's heartbreak
is a soundbite at the news break
With a close shot of the tears rollin down their face
Blessed be the child who turns a loving eye
and stops to pray
For these times in which we live

In these most uncertain hours
where the balance of power
is a fight that is fought everyday
And freedom is a word
some cry out and some whisper
and some are just too quick to give away
Blessed be the one who stands by the one
on the battle line
For these times in which we live

Well give me a heart full of tender mercy
and arms I will open wide

For these times in which we live
Seems like the only answer is
givin up on findin one at all
and we hide behind unsure
pull the blinds and lock the doors
and hang a pleasant picture on the wall
Blessed is the believer who knows love is our redeemer
and the only breath of life For these times in which we live

Well give me a heart full of tender mercy
and arms I will open wide
Give me words full of loving kindness
and hands ready to hold up a light
For these times in which we live

.cleaning up.

Rocky, which is my extremely obnoxious, yet cute dog, gave me a sort of lesson last night if you will.. I got Rocky from a friend, and I knew my Dad would not want to keep a dog, so I had to play my cards right.. I do not encourage this kind of behavior.. So I told my Dad that we were going to "babysit" the dog for a friend, and about two weeks rolled around when my Dad said, "When is this dog going back?" Well I had this great big sob story about how he didn't have a home to go back to and blah blah blah.. Long story short I win, we have a dog.. Sometimes I regret it, haha.. Anyways point being, even though he was my dog, he now spends 24-hours a day with my father, and the only time he even looks at me is if I have food in my hands.. He is HUGE! Last night he sat outside my room for a half an hour and whined and scratched at the door because he wanted in.. So, I thought that I would be a nice pet owner and let him in, play with him, have good times, da da da da da.. So, in order for Rocky to come into my room I have to pick nearly everything up off the floor, make sure all my shoes are put away, not have any cords readily available for chewing, make sure my garbage is against my desk so he can not knock it over, and close my closet door so he does not get my clothes.. As you can see, this is quite an ordeal.. So I'm like this is great, he's cute, he actually doesn't hate me.. After ten minutes of being in my room I am in a very similar situation, he is laying at the door whining and scratching, but this time he is on the outside looking in.. Lord, could the dog just make up his mind? So my thought process is, because I am a cruel person, it took me the same amount of time to get everything ready so that you could come in as it did for you to decide you wanted out, YOU ARE STAYING IN.. So I got up and let him out.. It made me think of all the times I have asked a friend for something, or God for something.. How many times was I so intent that I get that one thing, that those people made accommodations and sacrifices so that I could get exactly what I thought I wanted.. Then when the time came I decided it was no longer as sweet as I imagined it was, and I want out.. How much time and effort, how much preparation is just wasted.. I would like to apologize to those who went out of their way to do something nice for me that I completely brushed off..

.leading.

...A leader can not lead, if he does not know where he is going...

.ready-set-go.

Ok, so I have a very long passage, which I am very sorry about.. I know it is irrelevant after like three lines or something.. But it's important that the entire passage is read or else it wouldn't have made much sense.. Anyways, so very long passage, very quick thought..

"You know very well, Jan, that what's hot one year may be cold the next," Roald said. "We've enjoyed five enlightening years. But enlightenment doesn't pay the mortgage. And the last time I checked, your mortgage was rather significant."
"I'm aware of the costs, my friend. Perhaps you forget that this story was bought with blood. With blood and five years in a prison that might leave you dead within a week. You may say what you like, but be careful how you say it!" Heat washed over his collar. Easy, Jan. You have no right to be so defensive.
Roald became very still. "I stand corrected. But you also should remember that this world's filled with people who don't share your sentiments toward God. People who committed the very atrocities you've written about. And don't forget, it was I who made this book possible in the first place. I'm not your enemy here. In fact, I've bent over backward to help you succeed. It was I who convinced you to publish your book in the United States. It was I who first persuaded the publisher to put some marketing muscle behind the book. It was even I who brought Karen on board."
"Yes indeed, you did. But it wasn't just you, Roald. It was the book. It was the priest's blood. It was my torture. It was God, and you should never forget that!"
"Of course it was God. But you can't just throw your own responsibility on God. We each play our part."
"Yes, and my part was to rot for five years in a prison, begging God to forgive me for beating a priest. What was your part?"
"I don't hear any complaints about the house. Or the car, or the rest of it, for that matter. You seem pretty comfortable now, Jan, and for that you may thank me and Karen."
"And I'd give it up in a word if it mocked the lives that purchased it."

Would you?

I may have this completely wrong.. But I do not think it is bad for us to have things, I do not think it is wrong for us to enjoy our things.. I do not think God wants us to be constantly moving to find out what He wants for us.. I think sometimes the place where we are supposed to make an impact is exactly where we are.. But when we worship our things.. When we are content and are not READY to move, or WILLING to move is when the problem occurs.. Do we know that Jesus paid the price for everything that we own.. Would we give it up in a second if He called us to? Would you go around the world if you had to, are your bags packed?

.love them like JESUS.

Well.. today was the big day! On September 4, 2007, I started my first day as a senior at Bedford High School.. I'm having some mixed emotions about it.. We have started a lot of new things this year, which is ok because change is good.. I was really looking forward to just finally being done and being able to move on to college, but now as that is approaching I find that I'm a little sad to leave behind the things that I know.. I know that this year is going to fly by and that I need to make the most of it..
More importantly I need to decide how I am going to spend my senior year and what kind of example I will set to those around me.. I was reading a blog the other day about missionaries and why they choose the fields they do and how some don't feel they are needed here.. I understand their perspective.. There is a church on every corner, mostly everyone in America has heard of Jesus in some form or another and most believe that they are followers of Him.. However, a point was brought up that they should be left to fend for themselves, which I do not understand..
You see, everybody is looking for something.. And no one can be completely filled unless they have accepted Christ, but most do not know that, and most do not want that to be the answer to their problem.. No one wants to have something or someone bigger to answer to, it makes their problems real, it makes the consequences for their actions much more serious than anything that could happen here on Earth..
You see at one time I was just like them, I needed God but I didn't know it.. And even when I did know it, I fought it for much longer than I care to admit.. But if you could see inside the lives of these students, co-workers, friends and family members, you would see the hurt.. You would see the pain that is so real to them that it makes them sick to their stomachs, it takes their breath away, it causes their addictions, and before they realize it they are in much deeper than they started..
It is very hard to get out of that place, and no one can do it alone.. They all need Jesus, but if they cannot see Jesus in us because we have turned our backs to them.. They will never make it out.. You see no one comes to Jesus just because they wake up in the morning and want to try something new because the old way just doesn't cut it.. Something brings them to that point, they are broken, and they remember that you and I stretched out a hand.. They know that there was one place that they could go that would take them in and love them like Jesus..
So instead of saying that there is no excuse, they should all be believers, they have had every opportunity in the world to do so.. Maybe we need to quit criticizing and start evangelizing.. Stop judging and start accepting..
Maybe if we all sat down and remembered when we were exactly where they are.. We wouldn't be so quick to turn our backs, but much quicker to hold them and accept them right where they are at..

They're desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view.. They're looking to you.. He cares for them just as He cares for you

.the bar.

Well, I suppose that todays blog is more of a personal one than anything else.. Something I feel like if I make public I can maybe overcome.. This is not intended to encourage, discourage, uplift, or anything else.. It's mostly just to be heard or read I guess since we are on the internet.. Something happened the other night that really made me realize who I am, what I want, and what I will never go back to.. We, because we all do it, set a bar for our lives.. We have decided what is good enough and what is not.. We know what we need, what we wish we had, and what we will not tolerate.. I know what I want, I know what I'm looking for, and I know what I am not willing to subject myself to.. Yet no matter how many times I assure myself of these things I can always make exceptions.. I always find myself saying, "Well, I know that's not something I agree with, but it's ok because..." But it's never ok.. It's never ok for me to say I know that this is what I want, but I'll change it because I want this to be able to fit into that category.. What if for once I set the bar and I left it exactly where I put it.. Not only if I left it there but I always expected better than it.. What if I said I'm not willing to take anything less than that, and nothing can change that.. How many more steps further would I get? As opposed to my five steps forwards and ten steps back.. I think starting right now I know where I want my bar to be, and I'm going to leave it there, no matter what..

.not the brightest.

Okay, so I went back and read my blog from earlier.. And I know it was long so forigve me for blogging again.. But I feel like I left it up in the air a little bit.. My blog was titled "Be Still", however I spoke mostly about letting go of the past.. I got carried away and forgot to tie it all together.. That's sad.. Anyways the reason I chose "Be still" is because one day as I was praying God spoke to my heart and told me to just be still.. Which I then looked up in the bible and there it was in Psalms.. It was a Sunday, and after Pastor Nate's sermon, our associate Pastor came and led us in a song that he had written, just be still and know that I am God.. I feel that I often hear God saying to me, just be still.. That instead of me having to be here at noon, and there at 12:30, and back by one, that if I would give Him control.. If I would just be still and let Him take over, that it would all go much smoother.. If I would be still and trust God to fulfill His promises that the past would no longer matter.. That I would not need to dwell on it, or any longer let it affect my day to day life.. That if I would sit down for just a few minutes, and realize how big the God is that we serve, my past would not seem nearly as impressive as the huge plan and future that God has laid out for me..

.Be Still.

and know that I am God..

Well first...since the last time I blogged I got a job at Bob Evans as a server.. Chris one of my managers told me that I could keep my piercing in as long as it was a clear one, and when I showed up yesterday, Mary says no.. I was really sad, but oh well, may it was just like an "I did it" kind of thing.. So woohoo! At one time, I had my monroe pierced.. Yesterday I got my hair cut, shorter...I think I love it, but I'm not sure yet.. We'll see what happens.. Ok, now, back to business...

Lately, I have been spending a lot of time with my cousin, Nicole, who is also my best friend.. We were driving, and talking about my dad.. My dad has gone through a lot in the last few months, I guess really it's been the last few years, but in April it climaxed.. Nicole was asking me how he deals with it today, and what other people think, and how that effects him.. After I responded, I was shocked by what I said.. "It isn't a big deal, it doesn't even phase him".. And it not's a bad thing, but by anyone's standards this situation would be a big deal, it is a big deal.. Of all the things I got from my dad, why couldn't I have received that trait?

You see, I've never seen my dad mad, ever! He just doesn't get angry, he has this amazing capacity to understand that in life things are going to happen that you don't want to happen, people are going to hurt you, and things are not always going to be as great as you want them to be.. But so much more than that he can just let things go, without a second thought, he just does. I don't know how many of you watch LOST, but you all should because it's amazing.. In one episode Jack, who is a doctor and kind of the leader on the island, is talking about his first surgery.. He thought that he was going to lose the girl, and he was scared, but instead of shutting it out he let the fear rush through him.. But only for five seconds, he would only allow the pain and the torture to last for five seconds.. So he counted to five, and then he pulled himself together, and the girl lived.. My dad does that in every situation I have ever seen.. He allows it to hurt, or confuse, or anger, or whatever the emotion may be, for only five seconds.. Then it's over, then he knows what he needs to do, and he just does it.. If you asked him about what has been going on, his only response would be that things are great and that life is great.. And if you asked him about the specific situation, he would be perplexed as to why you would think that it is a big deal.. Because it is his past, it doesn't even phase him anymore..

I, on the other hand, think things to death.. I want to let them go, but I just don't.. I think about them and run different scenarios through my head.. But in the end all my alternative scenarios don't really matter, because it's the past.. There is nothing that I can do to change it.. But I can embrace it, and say that those are the things that made me and shaped me.. That I should not hurt over them anymore because that is not what God intends for me.. How much more could I do for God's kingdom, if I were to stop living in my past.. If I let it all go, if I gave it over to Him, and I said today I want you to use me in a mighty way.. And tomorrow, and the next day..

I hope that I can learn to let go of my past, to leave it where it is.. That I would wake up every morning and say, God just have your way in me, I will follow, and I won't let anything hold me back..

Sorry, it was so long!.. It makes up for all the time I missed :)

.beauty from ashes.

Well I need to start off by thanking Libby.. As I was reading her blog this phrase caught my eye, and I realized that it would be what my blog would be based off of.. So thank you Libby, and also, today at the baby shower it was so funny to see you in your diaper!.. (Sorry if you didn't want people to know about that :))..

Anyways... beauty from ashes.. Today while I was praying I kept thinking about all of the places that I have been, all the people that I know, and all the things that I have seen.. I thought about the differences and the similarities that there have been between my old and new life.. A life that ended, and one that started when I accepted Christ.. Everything that happened prior to my salvation was leading up to that moment.. God had prepared a way and made a plan for my life.. There are things that have happened that I am not proud of, and there are things that have happened that I sometimes would like not to remember.. But in any case those are the things that made me who I am, the things that developed my character, and ultimately those are things that gave me eternal life.. Sometimes you get to such a low place that there is no where else to go.. There is nothing you can do to help yourself and you need a way out.. It is amazing to me to think that God took those situations and He took the person that I was and helped me to become someone beautiful in Him.. Recently a lot of the people surrounding me have come to me with problems and they seem so low.. and the reoccuring theme is

"Why is life this way?" or "Why are things so bad?"..

I was discussing this with a friend of mine and I asked why am I the only one who is trying to hold it together.. That in the middle of these hard times why am I the only one who cares whether or not it all falls apart.. I think very highly of myself right?.. Well I was reminded then, when my friend said.. God is holding your life together.. It is only by His grace and mercy that right now as I feel so broken I can still smile and love.. Not only this, but when I hear people say things like that.. When I hear them ask how long is it going to be like this I can only help but think.. You are broken for God.. Sometimes you are in exactly the place that God wants you to be.. You are right where He can hold you, and help you.. But also, if you are in this brokenness because you have made decisions that have led you there, how long do you keep running?.. How long do you put up the fight and live the way that you want live instead of how God has called you to live.. Because that is exactly how long things will stay this way..

.when heaven weeps.

I have been reading this book When Heaven Weeps by Ted Dekker.. It is excellent!..

Reliving that day was not always the most pleasant thing, but always it brought her an uncanny strength and a deep-seated peace. And more important, not to remember-indeed not to participate again and again-would make a mockery of it. Take this in rememberance of me, Christ had said. Participate in the suffering of Christ, Paul had said. And yet Americans turned forgetting into a kind of spiritual badge, refusing to look at suffering for fear they might catch it like a disease. They turned the death of Christ into soft fuzzy Sunday school pictures and refused to let those pictures get off the page and walk bloody into their minds. They stripped Christ of his dignity by ignoring the brutality of his death. It was no different from turning away from a puffy-faced leper in horror. The epitome of rejection.

.let it rain.

Good afternoon everyone!.. It took me quite a while to set this thing up last night, with Vanessa's help, but it's finally done.. Today will be the first day that our new youth pastor, Tom, and his wife will be joining us for everfree.. We are all super excited that they are coming along with their two children, and are blessed to have them come and minister to our students.. It isn't a super beautiful day today, but still a God given day nonetheless.. It looks like it is going to be this way all week.. As I was driving to church yesterday morning a song came to mind, Let It Rain, and I have been thinking about it ever since.. Of course, it was a part of our worship yesterday, and it was the first song I heard on the radio this morning when I got into my car..

OPEN THE FLOODGATES OF HEAVEN. LET IT RAIN, LET IT RAIN.

This song by Michael W. Smith is different than the one that we use during worship, and as I was listening to it there was a verse that really spoke to my heart: The Lord REIGNS, let the earth be glad...Righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne. A fire goes before Him and consumes His foes on every side...The earth sees and trembles...The Heavens proclaim his righteousness and all peoples will see His glory. What a consuming God we serve, how often we try and love Him while only letting Him into certain parts of our lives.. He can only come through this door, and He can only walk around in this room, but we need to let Him consume every bit of us, even the places we are scared for Him to go.. We need to realize that as God rains on us, He reigns over us.. Our lives are whole only when completely in His hands.. Blessings..